Disturbing news from the Sunbury area this morning, as it has emerged that the beard formerly belonging to Scottish prop Geoff Cross, has escaped from captivity and is currently at large.
The beard was shorn from its former owner only yesterday in aid of the Wooden Spoon charity. It was being transported to Scotland under armed guard, to be released back into the wild, when in overpowered its security detail and made good its escape.
A police male grooming expert commented: “What people don’t realise is, this beard is tremendously Scottish. When unleashed in a southern English ecological system, the effects could be disastrous. We expect it to have become the apex predator in the environment by some time Wednesday. We’ve already received reports of it successfully overcoming a shark, a tiger, a bear and whatever Saracens are using for a mascot these days.”
A spokesman for the mayor of London added, “We are urging people to panic. Normally, we appeal for calm but we’re seriously worried that, as it is unfortunately April fools day, people will not take the threat posed by the beard seriously. We’re afraid it’ll be just like last year, where nobody believed that gorilla had escaped from London Zoo and it spent a fortnight successfully impersonating the mayor. On the upside, it did have some great ideas on urban regeneration.”
The beard was last seen heading towards the M4, and hairologists have speculated that it may be on it’s way to the Madejski stadium for London Irish’s big European Challenge Cup Quarterfinal clash with Edinburgh on Sunday, kick-off 5:45PM, tickets still available. “The one thing we know about Geoff’s beard is it loves a good ruck, and Sunday should be a truly epic encounter.”
In the meantime, members of the public are urged to contribute to the Wooden Spoon charity in order to try and calm the beard.
Under no circumstances should you approach the beard, as it should be considered armed and extremely Scottish. (Unless you’re a Quins fan, then give it a cuddle. You’ll probably be fine, no honestly.)